February Fun and a Bit of Sadness

Jillian here.  I was going to get this post done on the 6th and set it to go off on the 9th like I am supposed to but since I wanted to write about what I had going on the weekend of the 7-9, I figured I’d wait until I got home and share what happened. When I got home, I posted a picture on FaceBook and then was hurt and sad and lost all motivation to post about what had been a wonderful weekend.  Back to that in a second.

Friday night, I was happy to serve as a judge for the Regional session of the National Moot Court competition. It’s hosted by my law school and since I’d already committed to a book signing on Saturday with some friends in Alabama, it made sense to volunteer to do this as well as I’d be in the area (about a 3.5 hour drive from home).

It was a great competition and seeing these law students be so passionate and competent about the fact scenario they were assigned was wonderful. The law schools are doing an excellent job teaching advocacy. When I was in law school (In the dark ages) we didn’t do moot court until our last semester. Some of these students were second year and very well-versed in how to try a case. Makes me proud of the changes in legal education.

The next day was the book signing. It was the last event I’ll be part of in RWA. My membership expires in March and I won’t be renewing. I’d have resigned but I had this event with ladies I love and treasure so I stayed for it. I hate to leave the Birmingham, Ala chapter but I can’t countenance what is going on in the national organization.

I sold some books, met some new readers, someone who used to work for me here in Pensacola who moved up there, and also some old friends. My sister-in-law and her daughter live up that way and they came to see me as well. It was lovely for them to be there and supportive and buy a copy of each book I had.

Here comes the sad part:

One of the other authors took a photo of my sis-in-law, my niece and me.  I usually don’t allow pictures of myself as I am embarrassed about my weight. I never had an issue until my second child was born and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to lose. It’s even worse since I had my hysterectomy. I beat myself up every day about it. I am hungry a lot of the time- I don’t snack- I eat my three meals – even my son says he can’t figure out the issue since I don’t eat a lot.

Against my better judgment, I posted that picture on FaceBook. A woman I’ve known since I was a little kid commented with a rose emoji at first.  Then she must’ve thought about it a minute and came back with “You’re still pretty even though you’re fluffy.”

I can’t even imagine saying that to someone. Believe me, I know I’m fat. I see myself in the mirror every day- I am always beating myself up about it. I sure don’t need her pointing it out. I was so hurt, I couldn’t even think the rest of the day. I cried off and on- silently – and even almost didn’t eat dinner- which was just grilled pork and a cob of corn. I am still sad today. I’m embarrassed enough without someone calling me out on it. I want to hide. All the time.

I’ve always been a happy person with a love of laughter. I hate that she stole my joy. I can’t get her words out of my head.  All I keep hearing is, “You’re fat but still pretty.”

Guess what? I don’t feel very pretty.

 

11 responses to “February Fun and a Bit of Sadness

  1. Well, I think that you are pretty and I really do understand.I have also gained a lot of weight and am NOT HAPPY with myself. Stupid, unthinking comments cut so deeply, and I am so sorry. They just don’t understand. No one who has never had a problem with anything can understand, but I wish that they had enough sense to keep their mouths shut.
    I never thought that support groups were anything but whiners until I found out when I became chronically ill that it was the only way to share information and get through the thoughtless comments. I no longer belong to any groups, but I can handle the thoughtlessness better. Comments on my weight are ugly, comments on my health are also ugly. Some people are simply snobs, feeling sooooo superior, like they have control over everything in their lives and they playing ‘blame the victim’. I suspect that one day something will befall them and they will learn about the other side the hard way. However, it will be too late after the damage they have done. “Consider the source”, an old friend used to tell me. I send a hug to you today, Friend.

    • Thanks.   I appreciate the hugs.  Fat seems to be something people feel safe shaming others for these days. It’s incredibly sad that society finds that hurtful conduct to be acceptable.  

      • Yes, that and health falls right in.My neighbor is thin and healthy.She pointed that out and said, “I keep active.See my yard? You know I’m out here all the time, staying active.” I said, ” Your yard looks good because you feel good; it’s not that you feel good because your yard looks good”. [Shaking my head]
        They are fools. Hang in there.

      • my health is fine, No issues at all. People make assumptions based on weight. One of the smallest women I know is severely diabetic and wears a pump and STILL can get dangerous levels on her glucose.

  2. Oh wow Jillian. At my age almost everyone I know has either a weight problem or has had one. Including me. Like you it wasn’t a problem until later in life. But I have always had a body image problem. First because I was too thin, then too heavy. Even too young and now too old. I’m betting a lot if not all of us have this problem to at least some degree. We just don’t share so we think we’re the only ones.

    I know this is easy to say but try to let it go. And, do something special for yourself because you are special. Do you like shoes? If so go out and buy a new pair. How about jewelry or get your hair done or ???? Anything that makes you feel ‘pretty’. If nothing else go buy a new book. It’s time for some pampering.

    • thanks Lavada. I am trying really hard to let it go. It keeps creeping back in but I am pushing it away. And yes, a lot of people have weight issues as they age. This lady is at least 20 years older than me and I am sure she isn’t all she used to be, but she felt it was okay to insult me. Makes me shake my head. I agree that we don’t always share the problems and I am guilty as well of always trying to just show the good, upbeat stuff.

  3. First, I’m so glad you got energized by the moot court. I love hearing stories where the younger generation are really stepping up and getting it done.
    And the book signing looks like it was a blast. I’m glad you got to see some friends. Selling books is a bonus.

    As for the other, Jillian, you are a beautiful person, inside and out. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are generous, a great friend, loving mother and Nana, you have the best smile ever, and you work hard at what you do. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I know how hard it is to slough off words like that, but that person has a bias and, in today’s world, that’s not acceptable. We are all different and I’m glad we don’t all conform to some set standard. Life would be pretty boring if that were the case.

    I constantly try to lose weight, though over the past couple years, I’ve changed my focus more to being as healthy as I can be. I have control over taking care of myself. I don’t have control over other people’s opinions. With all the RWA kerfluffle, I’m in a new mindset. I’m letting go of anything negative in my life. I hope you can do that, as well.

    Oh, Lordy, did Lavada just suggest you go shoe shopping? If I remember right, you like shoes. Could be trouble for the credit card. Lol.

    • Thanks for the kind words. They mean a lot to me. I really appreciate you saying those things. AND I had to laugh about the Lavada comment. LOL – I’m not so much a shoe hound as a boot hound. 🙂 I am trying to let go and accept I am what I am. Dwelling on hurt feelings does me zero good, I know that in my head, but I have to tell my heart. I am healthy- have no issues with anything so I am grateful for that. It could be worse. I could have coronary disease, high blood pressure or diabetes, but I don’t. Thanks for being my supportive friend. I treasure you and the other ladies on this blog.

  4. Congrats on your lovely experience at the National Moot Court competition, Jillian. That must have been amazing. So inspiring to hear of the young ones being so positive.
    I hope that you’ve been able to let go of that hurtful comment at the book signing. I truly cannot understand how people can be so thoughtless. In what universe do they think it’s okay to make insulting remarks? A friend of mine here in the UK is naturally very, very slim – supermodel slim – and she has one of the heartiest appetites I’ve ever known. I’m amazed by how many people think it’s okay to comment on her weight, even strangers. One woman actually poked her in the ribs and told her she should really get some more meat on her bones! This particular woman had a lot of acne scarring on her face and I wondered how she’d feel if someone thought it was okay to point that out.
    I’m so sorry you were on the receiving end of such thoughtlessness, Jillian, and hope you’ve been able to let it go for what it was and focus on the many wonderful things you are and have going for you.
    Hugs…

  5. Stunned at such a thoughtless comment. Hope you have risen above it no matter how difficult it has been. I too am much overweight (as Faye will confirm) and no matter what I do it doesn’t want to shift. Have been fighting it for nearly 50 years, since giving birth to my daughter!. What really matters is what’s on the inside. And you are positively marvellous.

    • awww thanks Kit. I never had a weight problem until my body changed after the second child, but I wouldn’t trade him for being skinny again. 🙂 AND thanks for saying I’m marvelous. That means a lot.

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