Have you noticed how Black Friday, the shopping day right after Thanksgiving Thursday, has crept up on Thanksgiving Day, jumped on it, and gobbled it up like a well-done turkey set upon by a pack of hungry wolves?
A few years ago, Black Friday started out at six in the morning on the Friday, but then the next year, whoa, it begins at midnight of the night before, and you have to bring a tent and line up and meet personable people and make small talk. Which is really difficult to do when you know that in just two hours you could be meeting the same personable person in hand-to-hand combat over a LED TV or a nice pair of fleece sweatpants.
Which brings us to this year… Here we are, avid shoppers all, jumping up from the Thanksgiving table at six p.m. on Thanksgiving night, not stopping to help grandma clean up the kitchen, or carry the dead turkey carcass out to the garbage can. Oh no, we just grab our purses and wallets and plastic credit cards and race off to buy buy buy at the mall.
By next year we’ll have a Black Thursday to match Black Friday, like a matched pair of socks. We’ll just shop all day Thursday and all day Friday. Best of all, the corporations will be happy. They’ll be swimming in profitable black ink, as opposed to hemorrhaging unprofitable red ink. Nothing kills business worse than a bunch of people all related to one another sitting around talking and emoting at one another and being kind and interested in what everyone else has to say. Even if it does happen once or twice a year, that is still bad for business, people.
Eventually, we the buying public, will forget there was ever such a day as Thanksgiving, a quaint holiday where people reflect on, of all things, gratitude. Good riddance, I say! Buying things is way more fun than trying to come up with something to be grateful for. Unless of course it’s the chance to buy more things. I am always grateful for that, and you should be too.
And I’ll tell you what else I think we should do. We should take the creeping Black Friday idea and apply it to…. our birthdays! Yes, during the five minutes of reflection I suffered through on the recent Thanksgiving Past, I came up with the amazing idea to have a creeping Black Friday-type Birthday! I know, I know, it’s so simple! Why didn’t someone think of this before?
Anyway, here’s how I’ll do it. I’ll call up everyone who owes me a birthday present and tell them to start prepping for my birthday a week ahead of the actual day. With a little friendly coercion, my friends and family can jump up from their respective tables, rush to the mall, and buy presents for me every night for a solid week!
People who really love me will search high and low for more gifts for me…. ‘Black Birthday Week’ I think we’ll call it. They can shop for me on Mayhem Monday, Tasteless Tuesday, Wild Wednesday, Thoughtless Thursday (don’t think, just buy!) Face Off Friday, Stun-Gun Saturday (Shoppers: bring your tasers!) all the way up to midnight on Special Sale Sunday: my birthday. Brilliant.