True Confessions of A Dizzy Blonde by Valerie J. Patterson

It’s okay—and some would even say healthy—to take a serious look at one’s self and see the humor in your own life or even in your own behavior.  So, that being said, I thought this month’s blog should be about poking fun at myself.  I am—after all—a natural blonde who has a tendency to do funny things.

First, it’s true.  I am a dizzy blonde.  I suffer from bouts of vertigo that render me completely motionless because my surroundings are spinning at a high rate of speed.  This is not anything meant to humor you.  I just wanted to explain why I am a dizzy blonde.  <smile>

But, you came here to laugh.  Hopefully, after reading some of my, erm, happenings, you will have laughed out loud.

Let’s start with high school since this is as far back as I can remember having what my husband affectionately calls “blonde moments”.  All through high school I worked for a florist.  It was a way to stay out of trouble and earn a few bucks.  Every Christmas season, the florist would hold a giant open house at its corporate offices, and I was usually one of the hostesses wherein I worked in a certain room selling products, packaging them up, etc.  After working one of the open houses, I left the florist and went to my regular Friday night babysitting job.  I got the kids tucked in bed and went downstairs to watch a movie.  All of a sudden there was a loud crash behind the house.  I called 911 and they offered to send a patrolman to my address to take a look around.  Minutes later I saw the flashing red lights in the driveway and saw an officer with a flashlight go around back while his partner checked the front.  They came to the door and rang the bell.  I opened it and ushered them inside.  They proceeded to tell me that the wind had knocked over the metal trashcans and thrown them against the house, which was brick, thus explaining the crash I’d heard.  One of the officers was younger than the other and he leaned in and asked, “Is there anything else we can do for you, Valerie?”

Okay, I’ve seen enough horror flicks to know if a policeman you’ve never met knows your name, he’s not a policeman, he’s a serial killer.  Right?  I mean, isn’t that the most logical explanation for why he knows your name?  So, I began to slowly back away, turning my head to gage the distance from the front door to certain safety.  I was all prepared to flee when he cleared his throat and pointed at the name tag I was still wearing from my shift at the open house!  Color my face red!  But surely this has happened to you, too, right?

Should I wait for you to stop laughing before I continue?

Next up would be entertaining some friends at my house.  I was trying to impress a certain guy, and my close friend (also a guy) knew that I was nervous about this little party I was having.  Everyone arrives and I pass out some food and beverages and then decide to take the seat across from the guy I wanted to impress.  I’m positive I’m graceful as I sit down.  Next thing I know, I’m sprawled out on the floor because not only do I lack grace, but I also missed the chair completely!  Thankfully, my friend throws himself on the floor beside me and says, “You’re quite right, Valerie, it is much cozier down here on the floor!”

By the way, that story won me first place in a radio contest for most embarrassing moment.

Everyone’s heard the joke about the blonde who goes into an auto parts store and asks the clerk for a 710.  Turns out, she was looking at her oil cap upside down.  While I’ve never done anything that, well, dumb, I have had some memorable car moments.  Most recently, my husband and I purchased a new car.  I was in a parking lot one day and when I used the remote to lock the car, the trunk lid of the car parked beside me popped open.  I looked around expecting to see the car’s owner approaching ready to place some packages in the trunk.  Nope.  No shoppers in sight.  I looked around and discretely closed the trunk lid.  Apparently, I had opened it with my remote.  Either that or someone from Candid Camera was playing a trick on me.

One day, I got on the elevator and pressed the button.  Nothing happened.  The doors didn’t even close.  I pressed the button again and waited.  Nothing.  Doors still open.  I stuck my head out of the elevator and looked around.  No one else there.  No one pushing the elevator’s call button.  I go back inside and press the button again.  Nothing happens.  Getting frustrated, I virtually pound the button into submission.  That’s when I realized I was pushing the button for the 3rd floor, and I was actually on the 3rd floor.

Lastly—because I’m out of time and not because I have no other blonde moments to share—I’ll tell you about a home remedy that probably works for everyone but me.  I was feeling poorly, doing battle with a horrible cold.  I hadn’t had any sleep in a couple of days because I could barely breathe.  A friend of mine told me about rubbing Vicks-Vapo-Rub on the bottom of her children’s feet when they had a cold because it somehow allowed them to breathe easier and cough less.  She instructed me to rub some on my feet and then put on a pair of white cotton socks and lay down covered up.  So I go home, change into my pajamas, and scoop out some Vicks, give each foot a solid rubdown, put on a pair of socks and hobble to the sofa with my favorite blanket and cuddle up expecting to be able to breathe and nod off for some much needed sleep.

About ten minutes later my feet started to tingle.  I snuggle deeper into my blanket and think, “Wow, this is really going to work for me.”

Another ten minutes later it’s like my feet were in a sauna and the temperature gage was set to boil!  I threw off the blanket, shot off the sofa and blew past my husband yelling, “My feet are on fire!  My feet are on fire!”

He’s following me down the hallway as I am shedding clothing left and right all the while yelling, “My feet are on fire!  My feet are on fire!”

I make it to the bathroom, turn on the shower and jump in—because by now I haven’t a stitch of clothing on—and scrub my poor little feet in hopes of removing every last trace of the Vicks.  By the time I emerge from the bathroom clean, dry, and clothed, my poor husband asks what in the world got into me.  I explain my friend’s home remedy and he suggests that one of two things happened:  I’m either allergic to Vapo-Rub or perhaps I should not use half a jar next time.

Either way, I slept like a baby, but I tend to think it was due to sheer exhaustion from hobble-running down the hallway while doing the striptease and throwing myself into the shower and scrubbing vigorously at my feet.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this month’s blog, and I hope my little anecdotes provided you with some humor.  I apologize for being late this month, but I thought today was Thursday!

Until next time, may there always be laughter in your days, and may you have compassion for the blondes in your life!

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25 responses to “True Confessions of A Dizzy Blonde by Valerie J. Patterson

  1. OMG, Valerie,I laughed so hard, esp. about the policeman who knew your name!
    (I am sorry about the Vaporub incident).
    I am so glad I read this because I dropped my granddaughters off at school and dropped into my local Kroger. An elderly man came out with me.He was parked next to me and we were both surprised to see that his trunk was open; it had not been open when I pulled in.I bet someone else’s remote opened it.
    When I was little I was a ‘honey blonde’, blond enough that my mother’s best friend’s sons called me “Goldilocks”.I think I will always have a little blondness in me.
    What a fun read tonight!

    • Valerie J. Patterson

      Thank you, Tonette! I’m so glad you laughed out loud. My job here is done! 😛

      I sincerely hope that the gentleman’s trunk was opened innocently by someone’s new remote. I would hate to think someone had tried to break into his car. I was so shocked when that trunk popped open! Then I was scared to close it thinking someone would think I had taken something from it! Thankfully no one was about. Whew! 😛

      And yes, Goldilocks, I hope there is a little blondness in you. It’s so much fun! LOL

  2. My favorite was the elevator. I can picture you in there. A fun blog Valerie.

  3. Valerie J. Patterson

    Oh Lavada! You should have seen me for real. I could not for the life of me figure out why the elevator would not budge. It wouldn’t even close the doors. I was never so glad to realize that the courthouse doesn’t have cameras in the elevators! 😛 But that’s not to say I haven’t given the deputies on the other end of the cameras something to laugh at. One day, I was actually going to the sheriff’s department and walked into a broom closet instead. The deputy watching the monitors called upstairs as I entered the sheriff’s office and told the secretary to ask me if I found anything in the closet interesting. I felt my neck, face, and head instantly heat up with embarrassment! 😛

  4. Yep. Sorry, but I’m chuckling. I’ve had a few of those moments myself. Not sure I’m brave enough to actually TELL them, though. Kudos to you, Valerie. I’m really interested in the vertigo thing, too, since I landed in the emergency room in mid-September with a first-ever vertigo attack that felt like I was having a heart attack, the spinning was so strong. I’ve heard everything from a virus to an inner ear crystal misalignment. Had a few attacks since them, but nothing as bad as that first one. So, from one dizzy broad to another, how are things going with the vertigo?

    • Valerie J. Patterson

      I’m so sorry you’ve experienced vertigo, Laurie. I’ve been dealing with it for 13 years now. I was in my 30s when I had my first bout in 2000. It was debilitating, that first one. I couldn’t get out of bed. They told me it was a virus going around and gave me meds for it. I’m not convinced it was a virus though because I still have serious bouts of it that render me motionless because the slightest move causes tremendous waves of nausea. There are head movements I do that are supposed to cause the straying crystals to move back to where they belong. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. My cousin is a nurse and she taught me a great trick that works wonders. I place the vibrating end of my husband’s electric razor against my head directly behind my left ear and hold it in place while I lower my head toward my knees and slowly turn it to the right at a 90* angle, back to center, then to the left at a 90* angle. I then move the razor to the same spot behind my right ear and repeat the process. I do this a couple times then rest comfortably in a sitting position. It has helped me a lot because the combination of the vibration and the turning of the head helps the crystals find their way back to where they belong. I was taking a prescription but now take over-the-counter meclazine (Bonine is the brand name). Unfortunately, you are likely to have more bouts of vertigo, and for that, you have my sympathy.

      • That’s not one of the exercises I was given, but it’s an interesting idea. I might have to try it. I’m only taking meds on an as needed basis at the moment and it hasn’t been needed much, thank goodness. Here’s hoping it doesn’t worsen. I can’t believe you’ve had to deal with it for so long. Yikes!

      • Valerie J. Patterson

        Laurie, I hope you never need to take them. Sincerely, I do. Vertigo just knocks you flat. 😦

    • Valerie J. Patterson

      Oops, forgot to add: So glad you got a couple chuckles, too. I figure if I TELL these stories, folks will laugh with me as opposed to AT me!! 😛

  5. Loved reading your post sharing your embarrassing moments. Very ‘brave’ of you and you made me smile.

    Have a great weekend.

    • Valerie J. Patterson

      Hi H-M-N! So glad I could provide a bit of humor for you. 😛 Is that adorable little dog in your avatar yours?

  6. Love your adventures as a blonde Valerie, especially the police officer. I can relate all too well. I once told an unmarked police officer that pulled me over that I thought he was a stalker. He said either that was the best excuse he ever heard or I should head to the police station and immediately report my problem with the person.

    • Valerie J. Patterson

      Hi Vicki! Thank you for popping over and reading and commenting. You know, I’ve often wondered what that officer would have said or done had I not reacted like a lunatic. Of course, whatever his intentions, I’m sure they would have dried right up once he found out I was only 17! 😛 I’m just as certain he and his partner had a good chuckle over that when they got back in their car, too!! 😛

      As for your little encounter, he’s lucky you even stopped. I wouldn’t have. Not in the dark. Not for an unmarked car. You handled it well, and thankfully, he was a real cop. You didn’t say…did you get out of the ticket?

  7. Hilarious, Valerie. Your post made me laugh so hard! Don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at a jar of Vicks in future without remembering your story 🙂 As for the elevator anecdote… well, I confess I’ve done similar, but DH doesn’t call them my ‘blonde moments’, he calls them my ‘senior moments’!

    Great post!

    • Valerie J. Patterson

      Oh dear! I don’t know which is worse. Senior or blonde? 😛 Perhaps combining them to “Senior Blonde Moment”!! I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Thank you! PS…I don’t recommend the Vicks on the feet. 😛

  8. Great stories. Loved them all. I can totally see myself doing some of those myself. LOL Thanks for the amusing post. I enjoyed it.

  9. LOL, Valerie! You’ve had some great “Blond Moments”! I’m a natural born Brunette and I Love It! But I bet I can rival some of your stories. My boyfriend tells me I must be a blond who dyed her hair! I’ll keep this short with a couple of stories.

    First story –
    I drive a car that you MUST use your key to lock your car, therefore you can’t ever lock your keys in the car. Well, one day I DID lock my keys in the car! I called a locksmith and he came out and went to work.
    Me, “Why are you working on the passenger door when the key is in the ignition?”
    Locksmith, “This side’s easier to get open.”
    Me when I saw the other door unlocked,”Why don’t I just go open the driver’s side door?”
    Then I realized what I had just said, covered my mouth and widened my eyes. EMBARRASED!! Here I had a locksmith working to get my key out of my unlocked car!
    He didn’t even charge me. I figure he thought he got enough out of the story he could tell when he got back to his shop!

    Second story-
    I am VERY much directionally challenged and I get lost on a regular basis, WITH my GPS! One night I was driving home, took the wrong off-ramp and didn’t know where I was, so I turned onto a side road and pulled off to get my bearings. Before I knew it, Air Force military police were at my car and I was escorted off base.
    I got back on the road and took another off ramp, still trying to find my way. Once more I found myself greeted by military police. This time I had pulled onto an Army drive – I was escorted off base again.
    I think the only reason I made it home without being greeted by more military police is bc there’s only the AF and Army here. If there was another contingent here, I’m sure I would have found them!
    Maybe I was meant to be a blond like my momma! (or it’s in my genes) LOL!

    • Valerie J. Patterson

      Oh my goodness! Clearly you were a blonde in another lifetime! Loved both stories, but the military police is hilarious. To drive onto one base is one thing, but to drive onto the second was too much. It’s a wonder you even made it home. Thank you for sharing! 😛

      • “It’s a wonder you even made it home”

        That was probably one of the reasons my boyfriend gave me a portable GPS for my gift when I graduated UW! LOL! (i’m sure glad I can laugh at myself):)

  10. Brilliant! Loved the one about the policeman. As to Vicks, I’ll stick to Nightnurse – sounds safer. Seriously, though, or not depending on your point of view, I have many blonde moments. They seem to be happening more and more frequently now – like putting the fabric conditioner bottle in the fridge (hubby thought it was milk and nearly put it in his coffee), finding scissors in there too, trying to get into a car that wasn’t my own, mine was parked in the next row – I shan’t go on. Blonde moments or senior moments, they do make life fun – long may they continue! 🙂

    • Valerie J. Patterson

      Thanks, Kit! Your comment made me laugh. I do those things, too. One day, my husband stood in the kitchen and watched me throw away a plate and put a napkin in the sink! Good thing, too, because I might not have realized what I was doing and thrown away my china! You’re so right…those moments make life interesting…and are usually cause for a laugh or two. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours! 😛

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